100 funniest things on CVs - part 1

1. ACHIEVEMENTS – “I came first in the school long distance race”
2. HOBBIES – “Horse rideing,like going pub when havent got my kids.looking after kids and doing stuff with them when they anit at school.”
3. EMAIL ADDRESS – Lazysod@……
4. ACHIEVEMENTS – “Being sober”
5. ABOUT ME – “My favourite colour is Toupe, cos it rhymes with Dope”
6. REASON FOR LEAVING – “It was hard work”
7. PERSONAL PROFILE – “I be no stranger to double-entry. I loves numbers, and my wife and I loves journals and ledgers! Can also do tricky sums when I puts my mind to it. Computor litrate.”
8. COVERING LETTER – “This is my CV I am intrested in any job opening use have avaiable if u could please send a vercation that you reciceved the email”
9. PERSONAL PROFILE – “I do have convictions (drug offences) which are spent some 30 years ago for when I was 16-18 and have a caution for 4 years ago for criminal damage”
10. HOBBIES – “Marital Arts” (Possibly meant martial arts?)
11. KEY SKILLS – “Perfectionist with a keen I for details.”
12. HOBBIES – “Space Travel”
13. EMAIL ADDRESS – Batfacedgirl@………..
14. EMPLOYMENT HISTORY - “Whilst working in this role, I had intercourse with a variety of people”
15. HOBBIES – “i like playing sport, which i fined gives me a winning appitite for life’”
16. KEY SKILLS: “I would like to assure you that I am a hardly working person.”
17. HOBBIES – “enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians”
18. JOB HISTORY – “Career break in 1999 to renovate my horse”
19. SKILLS – “Fantastic ability in multi-tasting.”
20. SIZE OF EMPLOYER: “Very tall, probably over 6’5″.”
21. SKILLS – “Speak English and Spinach.”
22. STRENGTHS – “Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
23. SKILLS – “I have technical skills that will simply take your breath away.”
24. MARITAL STATUS:- “Celibate”
25. SKILLS – From an IT Engineer, “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”
26. EMAIL ADDRESS – hotsexyluv@…….
27. KEYS SKILLS – keeping family home clean, tidy and hygienaic undertaking basic DIY.operating domestic taskslike cleaning,washing,cooking.dealing with emerengencies smoothly.dealing with health issues,superivsing,supporting,guiding and organising children.
28. CV GAP – Candidate explained his gap in employment by saying it was because he was getting over the death of his cat for 3 months!
29. KEY SKILLS – “But wait…there’s more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature.”
30. PRINTED CV – Candidate sent over their CV printed on the back of their current employers headed company paper
31. SKILLS – “I can type without looking at thekeyboard.”
32. JOB HISTORY - “Left last four jobs only because the managers were completely unreasonable”
33. SKILLS – “I am a rabid typist”
34. HOBBIES – “My interests include cooking dogs and interesting people”
35. COVERING LETTER – “I am extremely loyal to my current employer….Feel free to ring my office if you are interested in my CV”
36. KEY ACHIEVEMENTS – “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”
37. EDUCATION – “I am about to enrol on a Business and Finance Degree with the Open University. I feel that this qualification will prove detrimental to me for future success.”
38. HOBBIES: “donating blood – 12 litres so far.”
39. KEY SKILLS: “Assisted with filing, billing, printing and coping”
40. KEY ACHIEVEMENTS – “Oversight of entire department.”
41. EDUCATION - “University: August 1890 to May 1993″
42. WORK EXPERIENCE –“ I’m working today in a furniture factory as a drawer”
43. EMAIL ADDRESS – homeboy@……
44. KEY SKILLS - “I have extensive experience with foreign accents.”
45. QUALIFICATIONS – “Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
46. COVER LETTER – “Please disregard the attached CV; it’s totally outdated”
47. REASON FOR LEAVING – “After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work.”
48. KEY SKILLS – “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
49. WORK EXPERIENCE – “Night stalker in Tesco”
50. HOBBIES – “painting my toenails in varying colours”

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